The World According to Artoo
by Benji The Vampire Confuser
Summary: A Long Time Ago, In a Galaxy Far, Far Away…rnThere came a time of revolution, when rebels challenged a tyrannical empire. A republic has fallen, to be replaced by a malignant dictatorship. And one droid witnessed it all.
1. Prologue

**Memoirs of An Astro Droid**  
**Or**  
**The World According to Artoo**  
**Part of the Omniverse Project**  
**By Benji: The Vampire Confuser**

WARNING! WARNING! SPOILERS FOR EPISODE THREE WITHIN.

_I am not George Lucas and cannot claim credit for any characters or situations contained herein. Hopefully I will be forgiven for this imposition._

* * *

**Prologue**

A Long Time Ago, In a Galaxy Far, Far Away…  
There came a time of revolution, when rebels challenged a tyrannical empire. A republic has fallen, to be replaced by a malignant dictatorship. A promising Jedi Knight has fallen to the Dark Side and aides those he once thought to fight against. His wife has died giving birth to twins. The children were hidden away in the far corners of the galaxy.  
And one droid witnessed it all.

Sometimes it bothered him a little. Threepio's memory being wiped. Well that wasn't true, it bothered him a lot, and quite often. And not just the fact that his best friend had been, well, violated in such a way. Padme and Anakin had always treated both him and Threepio with respect. Not just a as servants, but as friends. But with one casual order; "Have the protocol droid's memory wiped." Half of the gold plated prissy droid's life had been stripped away. Bail Organa hadn't given it a second thought.

Maybe it had been for the best, Threepio wasn't good at not talking, and it was possible he'd let slip the secret of the twins.

That was the other thing that bothered him. Artoo had witnessed it all, Anakin's rise and fall, Luke and Leia's births. Anakin had been, next to Threepio, his best friend. Through peace and war, good times and bad, they'd been there for each other. And then he was gone. And the only one who might understand how he felt, who was still around anyway, he couldn't talk to about it.

They had plenty to talk about however. After leaving Alderaan they'd had quite a few adventures, always managing to stick together. During those years, Artoo often wondered how Leia and her brother were faring. So it was with great pleasure, as well as surprise that Artoo found himself once more in the service of the royal family of Alderaan.

As a rule, most droids do not believe in fate. Destiny and such things were abstracts that did not compute for a mechanical mind. But the astro droid could not help but think that there might be more this event than mere coincidence.

"R2-D2 is more than capable Leia." Bail told his adoptive daughter. "He also has a history with General Kenobi. If anyone can convince Obi-Wan to come out of hiding, he can."

_She looks just like her mother._ Artoo thought sadly. He knew, in theory how non-droids saw the world. Their vision was largely based on colors, and most saw only in one spectrum of light. So whether or not they would see the strong resemblance between the two or not, he did not know. But to his sensors, they were identical. Nearly. The bone structure especially. Certainly there were elements of her father as well, but the way she held herself, the chemical makeup of her hair, all her mother.

"Artoo," Threepio admonished, "Stop staring, it's not polite."

"Oh like she can tell I'm staring." Artoo retorted. "She's grown, that's all. Last time we saw her she was just a little human. Even shorter than me."

"Yes," Threepio agreed. "It's amazing how fast they grow."

The Tantavi IV was an exact Copy of the Tantavi II, the ship that had taken them to Alderaan in the first place, so many years ago. A droid typically does not get a chance to learn much about human concepts as art, and poetry. But Artoo had gone nearly 30 years without a memory wipe. And the ship, the girl, the secret mission, it all just felt…right to him.

"Come along Artoo." His counterpart said. "It's time to go."

Yes it certainly was. Artoo couldn't wait to see where they would wind up.

To Be Continued…


	2. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

"Dum de dum," Artoo whistled to himself, making his way across the outer hull of the Tantavi IV. "Nothing to see here, nope. Don't mind me just doing some repairs on the ship. La de da. Not intercepting any illicit transmissions from subversives, not me."

The Imperial cruiser loomed nearby, making his diodes burn cold. _This shock and awe campaign of ol' Palpy Tine's is really working._ He thought. He tried to force his mind back to the task at hand, but the image of fellow astromech droids being blasted into space around him kept creeping out from his memory drive. "Oh relax," he told himself, "If they open fire they'll just blow the whole ship apart, they won't be aiming at me." He failed to comfort himself.

Finally he reached his destination, hoping that the Imps really thought he was repairing the communications array. "Might as well give it a tune-up while I'm out here. Might even make this whole thing more convincing." He commenced to work, aware of the Star Destroyer breathing down his neck, but taking comfort in the fact that they had not in fact opened fire.

"Okay," he beeped, "Any day now. I'd like to get the info and get back inside where it's marginally safer than out here." He continued to work. "No really take your time. It's not as though there were a big f-ing ship up our a-. Oh wait, there is!" Finally he detected a transmission coming in. He sent it down through his interface arm into the ships computers, and put the finishing touches on what he'd been doing. "When was the last time they checked that thing anyway?" he wondered. "Another day or two and I'dve been fixing it for real."

"Artoo," Threepio called.

"Wow Threepio," Artoo quipped. "That was almost a half hour without you talking, that's like a record."

"Will you hush and get inside! There's no time to waste!"  
_Oh crud._ Artoo thought. He began heading for the hatch as fast as he could, feeling the ship vibrate with the impending jump to light-speed.

"WHO PUT THE DAMN HATCH SO F-ING FAR AWAY!" he wailed, wishing he still had those thrusters attached to his legs. He made it to the hatch just in the nick of time, as the ship leaped into hyperspace. _That's it._ He thought, for the millionth time. _No more secret missions._

* * *

The ship rocked, sending Threepio crashing into Artoo. "Now what!" the astromech complained. "I thought we escaped!"

It soon became apparent however, that they had not. Artoo and his counterpart soon learned that somehow the Star Destroyer had followed them. When the alarm sounded, they headed for the maintenance bay, the designated spot for Droids in an emergency.

The ship continued to rock as they made their way. Threepio was silent for once. Artoo fumed. Now what? This ship was no match for a Star Destroyer! And the mission had been going so well too. Had they even reached Tatooine? His thoughts were interrupted as a particularly large explosion made the entire ship quake.

"Did you hear that?" Threepio asked.

"Nope." Artoo replied. "Didn't hear a thing."

"They shut down the main reactor! We'll be destroyed for sure!"

Artoo was in no mood for Threepio's whining right now. "Promise?" he snarked.

Threepio continued to worry out loud as the situation went from bad to worse. They found themselves dodging security personnel as the ship was pulled into the docking bay of the huge imperial vessel.

"Maybe this isn't the best place for us to be standing." Artoo whistled. He and Threepio tried to make their way to a safer location but soon found themselves facing a crossfire situation. Almost without pausing, the two hurried across the corridor into another side passage, miraculously avoiding every blaster shot.

"Well that was one of the most idiotic things we've ever done." Artoo beeped. Well, Imperial attack or not, he still had a job to do. "Stay here." He said to Threepio. "I'll scout ahead."

"I beg your pardon?" Threepio said. "Scout ahead? Stay here?"

"Yes." Artoo explained patiently. "I'm smaller, make less noise when I move, and I'm the same color as most of these walls. So I'll scout ahead. You stay here because you're loud, and shiny."

Threepio stared at him for a moment. "I'll stay here Artoo. You scout ahead."

"Aye aye sir." Now all he had to do was find her. As it happened, she found him. Artoo was impressed. She was smart, not only did she know he'd be heading for Maintenance, but she'd figured out what route would be best for him to take.

"Artoo, thank goodness I've found you."

"Thanks Goodness." He replied. Sometimes he was glad humans couldn't understand him. It was probably best that they not know how much of a smart ass he was.

Leia wasted no time, but slipped him a disk containing the transmission he'd intercepted, and began recording a message for General Kenobi. When the message was completed, she looked away for a moment towards the sounds of the battle. "You must get down to the surface." She said. "Find General Kenobi and give him the message. You carry the hopes of us all little one."

"I'm on the case kid." Artoo assured her. "Hell, I bailed your mom out of a tighter situation than this, this'll be no problem."

Though she didn't understand him, she got the gist of it and smiled. "Good luck Artoo." She whispered and disappeared into the maze of passages. Artoo turned, and headed for his own escape route.

"At last," Threepio cried as Artoo approached him, "Where have you been? They're coming in this direction. What are we going to do? We'll be sent to the spice mines of Kessel or smashed into who knows what?"

"Relax. Follow me." He told the translator.

"Wait a minute, where are you going?"

"It's a surprise."

It didn't take long to find it, the escape pods were deliberately placed to be readily accessible. "Let's go Goldie." Artoo instructed.

"Hey," the protocol droid objected. "You're not permitted in there. It's restricted. You'll be deactivated for sure."

"Then tell me you mindless philosopher," Artoo said, still in no mood for Threepio's harping, "What should we do? Stay here and be sent to the spice mines of Kessel or smashed into who knows what?"

"Don't you call me a mindless philosopher you overweight glob of grease." Threepio snapped. "Now come out of there before somebody sees you."

"No can do old chum. I'm on a secret mission. Now you coming? We gotta get these plans off the ship."

"Secret mission? What plans? What are you talking about? I'm not getting in there." Stray blaster fire quickly changed his mind. He practically dove in after his shorter counterpart. "I'm going to regret this."

"Nah. It'll be fun."

"I don't like fun. Not your brand of it anyway."

To Be Continued…


	3. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Ah, scenic Tatooine. Just like he remembered it. With it's rolling dunes and...well that was about it really. Okay there were some impressive geologic visuals, or rock formations as organics called them, but mostly the planet had very little to recommend it. Particularly not with the present company.

"I spy with my little eye," Artoo muttered.

"How did we get into this mess?" Threepio complained. "I really don't know how."

"Something beginning with S."

"We seem to be made to suffer. It's our lot in life."

"Did you guess sand? Why that's the right answer."

"I've got to rest before I fall apart. My joints are almost frozen."

"We just got here for the Maker's sake, geez."

Threepio surveyed the area forlornly. "What a desolate place this is."

Well, Artoo couldn't argue there. What had dragged settlers to this planet in the first place? Organics really were crazy. "That is definitely the word for it." he agreed. "Right, well let's get going." He turned to his right, his sensors and memory guiding him.

"Where do you think you're going?"

Artoo sighed. Must he always argue? "This way."

"Well I'm not going that way. It's much too rocky."

"C'mon!"

"What makes you think there are settlements over there?"

Maybe it was a height thing. Or he was compensating for being a moron. When it came to tech things anyway. Artoo suspected that Threepio was secretly jealous of his genius. Right now he fervently wished he could simply tell his counterpart that he knew where the settlements were, because he'd been here before. But of course he couldn't. That would be telling. Instead he tried to explain that his sensors were picking up the telltale signs of technology.

"Don't get technical with me." Threepio huffed.

Artoo gave the astro-mech equivalent of a frustrated sigh. "I'm on a mission okay? Now just come on!"

"What mission, what are you talking about?"

"If I told you, I'd have to deactivate you. Onward!"

"I've just about had enough of you." Threepio said stubbornly. "Go that way. You'll be malfunctioning within a day you near sighted scrap pile." And to add gravity to his words, he kicked Artoo in his leg.

"Hey!" Artoo protested. He swiveled his head to watch his friend start off over the dunes.

"And don't let me catch you following me, begging for help. Because you won't get it."

_You arrogant..._ He wouldn't. He would. The son of a wastebasket was actually doing it.

"You're really just gonna walk off alone aren't you. Dumb ass. Threepio! Threepio come on!"

"No more adventures!" the protocol droid called back. "I'm not going that way."

"Fine." Artoo muttered. "You'd only slow me down anyway." He continued to grumble as he went on his way. "Finally get some peace and quiet."

He'd never realized until he spent some time alone, just how used he'd gotten to the presence of another. Be it human, or droid, there'd always been someone there to talk to. Or in Threepio's case, listen to complain or berate, or snark at. He didn't miss it. He didn't. He was adamant that he did not. Especially Threepio.

But, rolling along a barren desert by yourself could get, if not lonely, then very boring after a while. Artoo knew approximately where to go. Obi Wan had told the Organas soon after the twins were born where he'd be going. He didn't have exact coordinates, but surely the human would be able to sense that something was up.

Could the force do that with Droids? Artoo remembered Anakin talking about sensing organic life through the force, but somehow the topic of whether or not inorganic constructs could be sensed had never come up.

This would possibly be a long journey. He hadn't exactly been built as an all terrain droid He was lucky he was getting any traction at all on this sand. Sure the dunes might have been easier for Mr. Biped Threepio, but not his counterpart. _But does Prissy Chassis think about that? No, no, it's always about him._

He tried to keep himself busy as he went. He let his sensors scan the horizon for life forms, analyzed the chemical makeup of the sand, and that helped for a while. He thought he found some traces that Tatooine might not always have been quite so barren.

Finally, nearing sunset he reached the more rocky canyon area he'd been making for. It was just as well he had something new to think about. He'd almost gotten to the end of "900 Bottles of Lubricant on the Wall".

"Okay, so, after several hours of boring barren desert I have reached the less boring, but no less barren canyons. Hope I find Kenobi soon." He hadn't realized until now that desert canyons near sunset can be rather...creepy. "Now now, stay calm Artoo. I'm sure no matter what nocturnal things might live down here they won't eat a droid." That helped a little. Really, Droids weren't edible and probably didn't even smell like food. "If I'm not careful I'll wind up talking to myself."

Not long after he entered the canyon though, he got the distinct impression he was not alone. "La la la, nothing to see here. Just a, shiny, uninteresting, uhm, moving rock. Whatever it is that's lurking up in that _crevice ohmakerit'sgotglowingeyes! _Okay, it's gone. Relax Artoo. Come on, you've taken out war Droids that were twice your size and had you out numbered. You can take some tiny thing with glowing eyes...oh wait, I think I know what thing was actually."

"Booyaa!" the Jawa cried, leaping from concealment and blasting Artoo with an ion stun blaster.

"GAAAAAAAAAAAHH! Y-you s-s-son of a..." His circuits were too scrambled for him to think strait. "M-mother c—coppppulaaaaa...smallI keel you.../small" And his world went dark as he shut down.

* * *

"Huh? Whuzza?" Artoo groggily came back on line some time later, and found himself in what resembled a junkyard, only indoors.

"Morning Newbie." a world weary, out dated droid greeted him.

Artoo looked around as he was greeted by the various inhabitants of the place.

"Oh those stinking Jawas. If I had hands and I got them on one of those stinkin'-"

"Artoo?"

"Threepio?" He never thought he'd be happy to hear that voice! Or admit to be happy about it anyway.

"R2-D2 it is you! It is you!" Threepio himself would have never admitted to being this overjoyed at being reunited with his counterpart. Not under better circumstances.

"Threepio! Fancy meeting you here!"

* * *

"Wake up!" Threepio swatted Artoo on the dome to get his attention. The transport was stopping.

As Artoo awoke from his recharge the door to the hold opened. Several Jawas entered, directing the droids to exit the craft.

"We're doomed." Threepio moaned.

"Nice to know you haven't lost your positive outlook on life."

One of the Jawas made it's way in their direction to examine them.

"Do you think they'll melt us down?"

Artoo sighed. "You're asking me? You're the interpreter protocol boy."

When Threepio and Artoo took too long to comply with the order to get moving, the hooded creature pointed the remote for the restraining bolt at them.

"Don't shoot, don't shoot!" Threepio implored. To his counterpart he asked; "Will this never end?"

"No."

He nearly blew a gasket when he saw where they were. _Oh you've got to be kidding._ That was it, he was sold on the whole destiny thing. He held rather still waiting to see if Owen would recognize either of them.

Apparently he didn't. Well, Threepio had been a different color then. And it had been a while. But Artoo sure recognized him. And the young human with him must be...

_Wow he looks just like his sister! And his parents._ Artoo had often felt guilty about what happened to Anakin. Maybe if he'd kept better care of the human he wouldn't have become...what he'd become. Well he'd be damned if he let this kid go down the same road as his daddy.

But he still had a mission to accomplish. He surreptitiously reached out a probe to the red R-5 unit beside him. "Sorry pal but a Droid's gotta do what a Droid's gotta do."

It was all he could do not to try to tell Luke who he was and all about his parents. But he'd been so focused on all this that he totally missed that he'd been passed over. Threepio and the R-5 had been purchased instead.

"You were supposed to break down already!" he groaned. "No! Buy me instead! I'm...prettier! Look at him he's all angles and sharp corners! He's dangerous to children!"

Finally his sabotage paid off and Threepio, dear, sweet, wonderful Threepio put in a good word for him. "You've made the right choice Jr."

"Now don't you forget this." Threepio admonished him. "Why I should stick my neck out for you is quite beyond my capacity."

"You love me."

To Be Continued...


End file.
